sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
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She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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