He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
