new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't turn off my feet"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
