well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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