No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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