can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
