What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
