Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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