I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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