I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
