So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
