You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
