Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
