She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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