I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
