Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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