Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
