just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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