Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
