Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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