once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
