the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
