Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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