i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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