I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
