The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
