Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You have to summon your inner elephant
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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