if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
