i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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