the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
