got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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