I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
