If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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