I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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