How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
