this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
