pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
