I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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