So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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