I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
