I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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