drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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