Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
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He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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