LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
