ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
