I molested 6 butterflies tonight
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
