I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
