I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
