I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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