im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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