I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
