that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
