WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
