I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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