you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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