next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
