I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
