I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
