he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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