she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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