so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
