Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Your penis caused this!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
